Sitting at Stef and Cory's house, thought I'd write something for the first time in months.
This is what would happen if, instead of a government bailout package, the computer community bought out the big three.
Microsoft buys GM:
Each of the subsidiary companies of GM would be in charge of a different type of car:
Business class cars would run very well but have absolutely no luxuries, not even a stereo. They would be less customizable than the other types of GM cars, in that they only come in one color: Black, and you can't change anything about them except for the vanity licence plate. They would run fast and only corporations could buy them on a corporate license.
Home Standard cars would basically be business class cars that come in a few more colors: white, black, red, blue, and a horrible shade of jeweled green, all of which have the windows logo branded on the hood which can't be removed. These cars would have a fully functioning stereo/CD player but no power locks or windows. The paint job can be customized only by removing every panel from the outside of the car and replacing them with ones built from scrap metal, then painted.
Home Premium cars would have more luxuries than Home Standard, including power locks and windows, a built-in hard drive to store your songs on, and a GPS system. However, the GPS would routinely BSOD and have to be reinstalled. These cars woulld break down a lot more than the Business or Home Standard, as Microsoft Auto can only really focus on making one thing in the car good, at the sake of everything else. The colors available would be exactly the same as Home Standard cars, except each color could be purchased in a shiny version with little LED lights under the hood that make it look all cool. You can customize the paint job only in the same way as the Home Standard cars.
Ultimate cars would basically do everything but fly. Colors available would be anything imaginable except for gun metal (they don't want their cars to get confused with Apple cars). Ultimate cars can also be purchased by corporations, but only for their higher-ups, as they look too pretty to be used by the simple peon.
Microsoft cars (except for Business class) would fall apart promptly as soon as the next version of Microsoft cars was released, requiring a new purchase. You can also never resell a Microsoft car (again, excluding Business class, which can be resold to any other corporation). Once it is time to replace it, you must simply scrap it and buy an entirely new car. Microsoft will of course sell "upgrade" kits, but that only saves you like $50, and you have to use some parts from the old car to build the new one yourself.
Apple buys Chrysler:
Every car made by Apple automotive would be available in only three colors: white, black, and gun metal. They would look incredible, like a ferrari on steroids, but the maximum speed would be 70 mph. All commercials would be targeted toward college students, even though the price of their cheapest car would be $40,000.
Under the hoods would be the exact same engines as their Microsoft auto counterparts, but covered in a thin sheen of gun metal and stamped with the apple logo. These cars would run FOREVER, but anyone owning one more than two years old would be branded a loser.
Inside the Apple car, there would be no steering wheel, but instead a touch screen across the entire dashboard. The pedals would be replaced with a single pedal, and therefore to break you have to hold down a button on the center console and press down on that single pedal. Turning would be controlled with the touchscreen, and so about 10% of the time when you're trying to turn right, you'd turn left and crash. The stereo would be amazing, and also controlled with the touchscreen, and you could browse the web and talk on your iPhone while driving, all using the on-dash touchscreen. Of course, the only music you can listen to is Dave Matthews Band or U2.
The Apple car could only be refuled at genuine Apple Fuel stations, which there would only be one of in each state. The fuel would be more expensive, of course, and would consist of nothing but diesel fuel infused with liquid pretentiousness.
The Linux community buys Ford:
Linux cars would run on grass clippings and go from zero to sixty in 0.4 seconds. However, to install anything such as a CD player or a sunroof, you must take the entire car apart and put it back together again. The car's paint job would be automatically controlled from the inside console, but you need to know the hexadecimal code of the color you want to input it. Some Linux cars would be reconditioned Microsoft or Apple cars, but some would be built specifically for Linux Auto, and these would have, instead of a Microsoft or Apple engine, the engine from a moped, supercharged, which would run for 5 years on a single bag of grass clippings. There would be no Linux Auto garages, as every Linux driver is by definition a do-it-yourself mechanic. If your Linux Auto broke down, and you couldn't fix it, you could post a message on the Linux Auto message board and then subsequently be attacked over the internet by 500 douchebag Linux drivers who think they know how to fix it. They would all be wrong.
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